there is a large part of me that is
very cynical. everyone is going around saying the right things and all that but
if people always believed what they're protesting about or saying now, why did
we ever have a problem? I have to believe that George Floyd's death made some
people realize what struggles POC have had and they now want to fight for it,
but how long will it last? how long till people go back to their day to day
lives and forget Mr. Floyd, BLM, and all that is going on right
now? People are so reactionary that I’m scared that any immediate change
will eventually be worse for POC, or worse than that, will be used against POC
in some way in the future. Specifically, radical changes like abolishing or
even defunding the police scare me to that end. And just to put it
out there, that's not to say that I agree with police, what they've
become, or how they operate. Change definitely needs to occur on that front.
Coupled with that, the focus has
been so much on black people specifically that I worry about other
under-represented groups. Not just racially, but socially. LGBTQA for example
(it's also pride month). Don't get me wrong... I am an advocate for change, and
I am glad people are at least starting to now think about other people's
struggles, and I am happy that BLM is now getting traction. A rising tide
raises all ships, or whatever. But truth be told, I still don't feel
represented or like in the long run the coming change will positively impact
all people who have suffered social inequality. But it's hard to help everyone
at once. So I get that.
On
the subject of race, I have a lot of opinions that come from my very specific
experience. I am a little bit of an anomaly. I am a descendent of immigrants from Cape
Verde, a chain of islands off the coast of Senegal (which is in Africa). My
formative years were spent in Fairfield, CT, one of the most affluent (and
white) towns in Connecticut. I am, by definition, African American. But the
thing is, Cape Verde was a Portuguese colony up until the 70s so calling it an
African island is a bit misleading. What it has always felt like is I’m not black,
I’m not Portuguese, and I’m certainly not white. Racial identity has always
been a struggle for me.
Growing
up in predominately white communities, I’ve become very familiar with being the
only person of color in a room. It’s hard to say I’m comfortable with it
because you never really become comfortable with that kind of thing – there’s an unspoken expectation of you – but suffice
it to say that I’m as comfortable with it as I can be. I’ve learned to “act
white” or “talk white” in a way that usually makes me likable to most people in
the room. Indeed, I have been very
successful in a “white world.” But still
in the back of my mind, there’s always the questions… did I really succeed? Am I
really the best candidate? Is this just affirmative action? I have this memory
of when I was applying to college. A rep from Providence College (the college I
ended up attending) came to my Prep school and said we have a requirement of a
minimum B+ average to attend our school. My GPA was under a B average but I
applied anyway as a “stretch school.”
Not only did I get in, but I was offered the Martin Luther King
scholarship. How can I say that I actually earned that? How am I supposed to
feel anything but the fact that this was affirmative action at work? Imposter syndrome is real and all I could do
is try to live up to the imposter. I’ve
been doing that to this very day.
That’s
all a long-winded way of saying I am and have been successful but at what cost?
While at PC, I remember a white student who once said, “Jesse is the good kind
of black person.” I’ve been getting shit
like that my whole life. Did I sacrifice my blackness to be accepted in white
society? Was I even ever really black to begin with? Back in high school I hung
out with the one lunch table full of black kids…and I did have corn rows for while…but
does that make me black? I’ve always felt outside of the black community, as
well as inherently outside of the white community.
Going
back to the current world state, I’m glad that people are advocating for change. The world is unfair and change does need to
occur. But on a personal level, I have
never felt connected to the black community. Indeed, I’ve even felt cast out by
it for being too “white.” But my skin is brown.
So I’m definitely not a white person either. I am in no way Spanish or
Latino so I’ve never fit in there. So where…where do I fit? Again, I am happy
that the world is changing, but is it changing enough? Will it ever? How will
it improve for people like me? I’m not trying to sound selfish or whatever but
I just don’t think my situation will change. And that really leads me down a
road of cynicism about the whole movement.
Ugh…I
could go on about this for pages and pages. But I’m tired of thinking about it.
This
is fine. Things are fine.
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