Time

"Time is on my side. Yes it is." - The Rolling Stones

I recently finally finished Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut and although Vonnegut is one of my favorite authors, I didn't much care for the book.  That being said, I haven't stopped thinking about TIME.  So if the theme of the book has stayed with me for more than a month now, maybe I did like it? Ha. Who knows...

There are a race of beings in the book called Tralfamadorians who can see all of time in the same moment.  They see the future, the past, and the current moment all together but choose to focus on happy/positive moments rather than the sad/hard/destructive moments. All in all....a good sentiment. Focus on the happy times.

The interesting thing is though...this idea...the idea that time exists all at once rather than linearly is not just fiction.  Einstein theorized that time is as real a dimension that exists the same way space does.  THEN (past or future) is as real a thing as HERE or NOW. It can be measured and "navigated to" the same way across the street can be measured as being separate from wherever you're sitting now.  So that's interesting...

I've done a fair amount of reading and watching physicists speak about time in the last month and it's a very interesting concept. If you're at all interested or have any sort of physics-y mindedness to you, i'd recommend you check out some youtube videos by Carlo Rovelli (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6rWqJhDv7M).  In one of his videos, he makes sure to mention that you can't just think of and look at time from a physics standpoint - you have to consider the neurological, psychological, and sociological impacts of it as well.  And that's sort of what i wanted to write about today.  The philosophical and theoretical properties of time.

Both the best and worst thing about physics is that it is agnostic about the practical. It can tell you all about vibrations of particles and how things will act or react, but it doesn't necessarily take into account choice, desire or decisions within the entire system.  It can tell you that when i step, i exert a force, and an opposing force is applied to me. Great. That's important. But at the end of the day...all that happened was i took a step. Haha. My point is this... if time does not exist as a line and always has been and always will be for particles and what not, then that would necessitate a multi verse and infinite realities. Sure...maybe the particles will act one way or another, but did i step this way or that way..? The only way for time to exist eternally is if i stepped BOTH ways.  And my linear human perception of here and now creates the illusion of a singular reality when in fact there are an infinite number.  Cool right?!?

Quantum physics is so physics-y. Everything exists in every state until it is measured.  In this case, the thing doing the measuring is our brains and the what that it's measuring is space time. Weeeee (:

j

p.s Tralfamadorians are tall creatures with eyes on their hands. Kind of like The Pale Man from Guillermo Del Toro's Pan's Labrynth. Movie is so different when you think that The Pale Man could see all of time and knew what would happen.

On Worldstate and Worldview

there is a large part of me that is very cynical. everyone is going around saying the right things and all that but if people always believed what they're protesting about or saying now, why did we ever have a problem? I have to believe that George Floyd's death made some people realize what struggles POC have had and they now want to fight for it, but how long will it last? how long till people go back to their day to day lives and forget Mr. Floyd, BLM, and all that is going on right now? People are so reactionary that I’m scared that any immediate change will eventually be worse for POC, or worse than that, will be used against POC in some way in the future. Specifically, radical changes like abolishing or even defunding the police scare me to that end.  And just to put it out there, that's not to say that I agree with police, what they've become, or how they operate. Change definitely needs to occur on that front.

Coupled with that, the focus has been so much on black people specifically that I worry about other under-represented groups. Not just racially, but socially. LGBTQA for example (it's also pride month). Don't get me wrong... I am an advocate for change, and I am glad people are at least starting to now think about other people's struggles, and I am happy that BLM is now getting traction. A rising tide raises all ships, or whatever. But truth be told, I still don't feel represented or like in the long run the coming change will positively impact all people who have suffered social inequality. But it's hard to help everyone at once. So I get that.

On the subject of race, I have a lot of opinions that come from my very specific experience.  I am a little bit of an anomaly.  I am a descendent of immigrants from Cape Verde, a chain of islands off the coast of Senegal (which is in Africa). My formative years were spent in Fairfield, CT, one of the most affluent (and white) towns in Connecticut. I am, by definition, African American. But the thing is, Cape Verde was a Portuguese colony up until the 70s so calling it an African island is a bit misleading. What it has always felt like is I’m not black, I’m not Portuguese, and I’m certainly not white. Racial identity has always been a struggle for me.

Growing up in predominately white communities, I’ve become very familiar with being the only person of color in a room. It’s hard to say I’m comfortable with it because you never really become comfortable with that kind of thing –  there’s an unspoken expectation of you – but suffice it to say that I’m as comfortable with it as I can be. I’ve learned to “act white” or “talk white” in a way that usually makes me likable to most people in the room.  Indeed, I have been very successful in a “white world.”  But still in the back of my mind, there’s always the questions… did I really succeed? Am I really the best candidate? Is this just affirmative action? I have this memory of when I was applying to college. A rep from Providence College (the college I ended up attending) came to my Prep school and said we have a requirement of a minimum B+ average to attend our school. My GPA was under a B average but I applied anyway as a “stretch school.”  Not only did I get in, but I was offered the Martin Luther King scholarship. How can I say that I actually earned that? How am I supposed to feel anything but the fact that this was affirmative action at work?  Imposter syndrome is real and all I could do is try to live up to the imposter.  I’ve been doing that to this very day.

That’s all a long-winded way of saying I am and have been successful but at what cost? While at PC, I remember a white student who once said, “Jesse is the good kind of black person.”  I’ve been getting shit like that my whole life. Did I sacrifice my blackness to be accepted in white society? Was I even ever really black to begin with? Back in high school I hung out with the one lunch table full of black kids…and I did have corn rows for while…but does that make me black? I’ve always felt outside of the black community, as well as inherently outside of the white community.

Going back to the current world state, I’m glad that people are advocating for change.  The world is unfair and change does need to occur.  But on a personal level, I have never felt connected to the black community. Indeed, I’ve even felt cast out by it for being too “white.” But my skin is brown.  So I’m definitely not a white person either. I am in no way Spanish or Latino so I’ve never fit in there. So where…where do I fit? Again, I am happy that the world is changing, but is it changing enough? Will it ever? How will it improve for people like me? I’m not trying to sound selfish or whatever but I just don’t think my situation will change. And that really leads me down a road of cynicism about the whole movement.

 

Ugh…I could go on about this for pages and pages. But I’m tired of thinking about it.

 

This is fine. Things are fine.

 

Life Goals

Recently I had a conversation with a friend about legacy. We were talking about what you would leave behind after your life and what kind of lasting impact you would have. I posited that given enough time, no one would be remembered.  A bleak outlook, I know, but think about it. Here's a thought experiment.  Come up with a list of the top 100 most influential people of ALL TIME. Good people, and bad people alike can fill this list.  You've obviously got your religious icons (Jesus, Buddha, etc.), your great thinkers (Aristotle, Plato etc.), some great warriors, dictators, and politicians (Hitler, Lincoln, whomever), people in other categories... whatever. Try to come up with 100.

Got it..?

How long did that take you?  Honestly, I even had a hard time coming up with categories and people to put in them.  Could you even finish? How many people were alive within the last 100 years? How many people lived over 1000 years ago? Do you really think there was no one who is as influential to human history more than 2000 years ago? What about the caveman who invented fire? What was his or her name? Even if you were able to come up with a list of 100, a quick google search says that there have been 108,470,690,115 to have ever lived (website). Your list is .00000009% of our species' population.

Granted, I'm not a historian and don't think about things like this much. Also, you could argue that it's not the person's name that is important-- it's their work/idea/invention/ whatever... but I think given enough time, EVERYONE will be forgotten on an individual level.  No one knows WHO invented the wheel, just that it was invented (around 3500 BCE according to google). 

So personal legacy is bogus.  It's a pipe dream. You will eventually be forgotten.  

:) And that's okay. :)

But then, what is there to strive for? Why bother getting out of bed every day? Well...I would imagine there are some people who strive to be in that .00000009%.  That's great. There needs to be. But I am not one of those individuals.

What I want in my life is to make a difference to individuals. I want to help someone NOW. When I die, I want people to say, "Jesse affected me in [this way]." After that, it doesn't matter. If I can make a significant difference in one person's life, I will have been successful. 

I like to think that I have made peoples' lives better in small ways.  And that's why I get up every morning. 

j

Regret

I don't regret much in my life. Truth be told, I can only think of one specific regret and oddly, it isn't even that bad. The quick story is that one time I was supposed to be the designated driver but got sufficiently drunk and could not hold up my end of the bargain. Someone else had to drive us all home that night. I regret this because I feel like I let my friends down (they probably don't remember that instance), and worse than that, I let myself down. I hold myself to a very high standard and usually meet it. Letting myself down is why I have that one regret.

Here's the thing though. Just because I don't have many regrets, it doesn't mean everything in my life is perfect and/or has gone swimmingly. I, like everyone, have made mistakes. There are many things I wish I could go back and do over, or say more clearly, or even have go down in a different way. But the thing is, I don't regret those times. I wouldn't ACTUALLY go back and change those things. I think all of the "regrettable" times I've had in my life aren't actually regrets because they have led me to be who I am and have led me to where I am today. I've learned from all of those experiences and can (and hopefully have) become better because of them. The designated driver incident was a time I let myself down, and didn't learn anything. I knew what I was doing, knew that I shouldn't order another drink, but did anyway. That's why I regret that incident.

But honestly, despite the title of this post, my regrets (or lack there of) are not why I'm writing tonight. I'm writing because of a relatively recent conversation I had with a friend. We were talking about a memory I had and how I wish I had done something as I was leaving that day. Her response was, "that wouldn't change anything [now]." But what she didn't understand is that it's not about changing something. For me, it's about seizing the opportunity and not leaving potential experiences out there and unexperienced. It's not about how things would be different today based on a small change from months or years ago, it's about wouldn't it have been great then if I or we had done that thing.

True or untrue, I think many people regret things that they think if they changed, their current situation would be somehow better or different. As I am not unhappy with my current situation, I don't look back and think about what I could have changed to make now better. This is now, now. Everything that is happening now is happening now. We passed then just now. So live for now.

Sorry... I got thrown off by a particularly relevant Spaceballs quote. But again... My life isn't perfect. I have problems and I will be the first to admit and acknowledge my mistakes. But it's okay. I will be okay. Life will be okay. And the sun will both rise and set tomorrow.

Don't look back and wonder, "what if I had changed things?" Be grateful for now and what you do have. Remember the hard times and grow beyond them.

This whole post is terribly cliche and so I will end with another cliche movie quote:

"Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."

j

Where to Go

So I've been thinking a lot recently about where to go from here. All things considered, life is pretty good. I have a stable, secure job where I make a hefty salary that keeps me comfortable, I bought a house a few years ago that is worth almost double what I paid for it, i have a pretty decent group of friends, family is moving to this part of the country and will only be an hour away, and I have fun and travel and do all the things that I want to be doing.  So why this feeling of restlessness?  Why is it that I was seriously considering moving back to the east coast soon?

If I'm being honest, there are 3 main reasons and one over arching reason that I sort of now think is the real answer. First, there's family. More specifically, my grandparents and my niece, Caitlyn.  As they get older, my grandparents are all starting to not do as well both physically and mentally. I would say that of my entire family I'm closest to my paternal grandfather so
this really bothers me. I want to be there with and for them all three of my living grandparents in their final years. So there's that. Then there's Caitlyn, my niece. My FIRST niece. I don't know if I will have more nieces or nephews (or for that matter, kids of my own) but as of right now, I just have the one. I want to be there with her as she grows up. I want her to know who I am and I want to have a relationship with her. As of right now, the last time i saw her, she thought i was a stranger and cried almost instantly when my sister left the room and it was just me and her. The psychology major in me is thinking of Ainsworth's Strange Situation Experiment, but that's for another time.

Secondly, there were my friends that I left behind. This year, there was a rather large incident that echoed through the entire friends group, and I felt this sense of regret that I couldn't be there to help anyone through it. Most of all, it affected 4 close friends, but as I said, the ensuing fallout affected the entire group. I have this strange feeling of obligation towards my friends and although I did what I could for all parties affected (e.g. being there for them emotionally and to talk through the issues), I wasn't actually there FOR anyone.

Lastly, there's the girl. There's always a girl. I constantly think about what could be (or at least could have been). Ultimately, we agreed that it doesn't make sense for us to try to date or whatnot because of the 2000 miles between us, but that doesn't stop me from thinking, "man she would love this" or "can't wait for the next time i'm back her way", and for that matter, having feelings for her (however compartmentalized they may be). As it stands, she's the only person I have a picture of on my desk at work and the only person I talk to every day.  She's also the one person I go out of my way to see every time I've been back East.

The thing about these reasons is that really, they're just excuses. Validations in my head to do something that I really don't need to do.  And like excuses, they're easy to see through or undermine. For instance, my grandparents are only going to live a few more years (probably) and then i'll be in a place that I don't want to be. I want to be there for Caitlyn but I don't need to be. She has parents and other uncles and I can be that uncle that she travels to see in a cool destination city when she's older. My friends are doing fine without me and like most things, they've settled a bit with time (they're still hard but definitely better than they were). I can't move back for a girl when the future is so unsure. Will I still be into her when I get there? Will she be into me? Will one of us be dating someone else? These are questions without answers and I can't let her be the only thing I'm moving back for.

And so I guess there was a fourth reason. Something that is really overarching and is related to me feeling all of these things. As I said in the intro, that thing is restlessness. I feel like my good life has become boring and monotonous. I want to shake things up and do something different. I've been all over the country this year with various people, and that's all well and good and fun, but it's not enough. I have friends, I have a movie theater basement, I have all the things I could want, but I'm so BORED with my life. I felt this same way for a couple years before I left CT, and it's what drove me to move to CO in the first place. I still hold that it was the best decision of my life but I'm starting to feel the same way again. What else is there??? Why is nothing ever enough and why do i always seem to want MORE. Am I just a restless soul who needs constant stimulation and new environments to be happy? I am happy...just restless. I could be happier. Maybe I just need a girlfriend who I don't get bored with in 6 weeks. I don't know. All I know is that I'm glad I finally figured out what is REALLY going on. The first step is admitting and identifying the a problem, right? Sigh. Step one...check

j

New Place and Pair Bonding

It's been a while internet. Last time I posted I was not a HOMEOWNER. This time, I most certainly am and let me tell you something, it's been a helluva ride already.

I closed on a three story townhome on Jan 14, 2015. It's got 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, two living rooms, a front and back patio, and a detached one car garage. It's humungo to the point where I still don't have any furniture on the bottom floor, haha. I bought something this big for two reasons. First of all, the price per square foot for real estate in Colorado is astronomically low, at least in comparison to CT. It's a matter of public record so i don't mind telling you that I paid $179,000 for 1916 sqft which translates to a mere $93.42 per sqft. By comparison, some friends in CT bought 1491 sqft for $270,000 ($181.08/sqft). Almost DOUBLE for less space! As far as cost of living is concerned, you should stop what you're doing and move to Colorado. It won't be as easy to find a single family home as the market for those is hot hot hot, but what you do find will still be cheaper than the northeast.

Secondly, before I bought, everyone told me to buy something that I could grow into. At the time I was looking, I was about to turn thirty and was dating a great girl. The advice, coupled with those two other factors got me thinking about settling down, starting a family, and making sure that the space I was about to buy would be able to accommodate the potential increase in family size that could be a real possibility in the next five-ish years.

Turns out that the girl and I didn't work out, but that's a completely seperate blog post... The long to short of it is that I didn't feel the same way about her as she felt towards me, and we had fundamentally different views on certain big picture ideals that I felt neither of us should have to compromise. We only dated for six months and I wanted to end it before marriage was the expectation, both from her and from everyone else in our lives. She's a great person and I wish her the best in life and hope that in time, we can be friends.

But this whole scenario leads me to the second major topic of this post. Pair bonding. Relationships.

Before I moved to Colorado in 2013, I was very happy being single. I did things because I wanted to do things and because they were fun. I did things for me. I had a bevy of close friends to experience things with, but i was equally happy to do things alone. I will fully admit that I've always been and probably always will be a romantic, but I was happier to not be tied down with a relationship. And I think in itself, that drives at my point. In the past, a relationship was a burden. Something that you carry with you because of some sort of need for another person. It was a co-dependancy. I didn't want that. I've never wanted that. I still don't want that. But the change has come in the bevy of friends department. Whereas I have friends here in CO, they're not the same kind of friendships that I had in CT. To be sure, every close friendship that I had in CT was in itself, just like a typical romantic relationship. Each was cultivated over time with ups, downs, and all arounds.  There was a history with each person that was something special and was not- could not be replicated with the next person. Indeed I am very lucky to have that in my life.

That being said though. I don't have that here in Colorado. There aren't years of history between my friends and me because at this point in all of our lives, we all have that history with other people. That's not to say that we're not building relationships... It's just that at this point, the relationships that I'm building with others are for the most part, not as deeply rooted. I fully acknowledge and take some responsibility for not putting in the effort to build the deeper kind of relationships, but neither are others. People already have husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, and everything else that comes from a lifetime of living. Which leads me back to pair bonding...

Most people don't have the intricate and deep network of multiple friends that I've built over the course of my life. People have people, but I fully understand and respect how lucky I am. The search for a pair bond is the search for what I've had throughout my teens and twenties. It's the search for one other person to share things with. It's the search for one other person to experience things with. It's the search to interact with someone on a level deeper than how you connect to all the other great people in your life. We're looking for one other person to really live with. I'm glad that I left CT because now that I'm "alone" here in CO, I'm ready to try and find that one person.

Till next time, internet.

j

2 Weeks of Guests

So the last couple weeks have been chock full of fun and adventure.  I've had a ton of visitors, had some positive and potentially promising news at work, started seeing a wonderfully fun girl, and in general, I've just been having an awesome time with life.  The 50 states thing is kind of back burnered for now because the remaining states are mostly all super boring.  I am going to try to get to Alaska and Hawaii before March which will bring me down to 6 remaining states.  As for the rest of them, I'll get there when I get there. Or maybe never. I'm fine with that too. :)

So visitors...

Many of my ultimate friends from CT/NY came to Denver for the Colorado Cup (a big tournament that is important for rankings for the club series).  The tournament was all well and good to watch, but the better part was getting to hang out with people I haven't seen since New Years.  A few of us went on an awesome hike at Brainard lake which is literally in the middle of no where. We were supposed to meet up with some other friends, but when we got to the base, we realized there was absolutely no cell reception.  So the four of us hiked along for a couple hours and took a ton of great shots.  Like this one:

CO is such a beautiful place. :)

Royal Gorge - Arkansas River, CO

View from Mount Evans

When frisbee people left, I had less than 24 hours to reset the apartment for my college roommates who came out for our annual white water rafting trip.  This trip was a very different than a lot of the trips we've been on thus far, but ultimately, a blast. The river was a lot more narrow than typical which makes for a much more technical run.  It's a lot of jutting between rocks and through white water and less sweeping from bank to bank across the river and through the rapids.   Other than that, we went to breweries and up
Mount Evans (peak elevation ~14,200').  We didn't make it up to the top because of a hail storm that we got caught in, but the views along the way were still pretty epic as you can see.

The last two things on this post will be quick...hang in there - almost done!

Work has been good because I was recently called into a meeting in which my boss said to me (and a few other people) that we have been noticed by HER BOSS for our exceptional work and he wants to meet us in order to get a sense of who we are.  So I have a presentation on why I'm so awesome in about 20 minutes.  I'm good at those... :)

Kristine is amazing and silly and a child trapped in an adult's life, just like me. She's a science nerd (works as a pathologist in a hospital detecting cancer on biopsy samples) and loves all the prerequisite things for my affections (e.g old school video games, performing arts (she danced ballet), games, superheroes, etc). She came with us to Mt Evans.  Here's a pic.

I am happy

~j

p.s more pics HERE