Where to Go

So I've been thinking a lot recently about where to go from here. All things considered, life is pretty good. I have a stable, secure job where I make a hefty salary that keeps me comfortable, I bought a house a few years ago that is worth almost double what I paid for it, i have a pretty decent group of friends, family is moving to this part of the country and will only be an hour away, and I have fun and travel and do all the things that I want to be doing.  So why this feeling of restlessness?  Why is it that I was seriously considering moving back to the east coast soon?

If I'm being honest, there are 3 main reasons and one over arching reason that I sort of now think is the real answer. First, there's family. More specifically, my grandparents and my niece, Caitlyn.  As they get older, my grandparents are all starting to not do as well both physically and mentally. I would say that of my entire family I'm closest to my paternal grandfather so
this really bothers me. I want to be there with and for them all three of my living grandparents in their final years. So there's that. Then there's Caitlyn, my niece. My FIRST niece. I don't know if I will have more nieces or nephews (or for that matter, kids of my own) but as of right now, I just have the one. I want to be there with her as she grows up. I want her to know who I am and I want to have a relationship with her. As of right now, the last time i saw her, she thought i was a stranger and cried almost instantly when my sister left the room and it was just me and her. The psychology major in me is thinking of Ainsworth's Strange Situation Experiment, but that's for another time.

Secondly, there were my friends that I left behind. This year, there was a rather large incident that echoed through the entire friends group, and I felt this sense of regret that I couldn't be there to help anyone through it. Most of all, it affected 4 close friends, but as I said, the ensuing fallout affected the entire group. I have this strange feeling of obligation towards my friends and although I did what I could for all parties affected (e.g. being there for them emotionally and to talk through the issues), I wasn't actually there FOR anyone.

Lastly, there's the girl. There's always a girl. I constantly think about what could be (or at least could have been). Ultimately, we agreed that it doesn't make sense for us to try to date or whatnot because of the 2000 miles between us, but that doesn't stop me from thinking, "man she would love this" or "can't wait for the next time i'm back her way", and for that matter, having feelings for her (however compartmentalized they may be). As it stands, she's the only person I have a picture of on my desk at work and the only person I talk to every day.  She's also the one person I go out of my way to see every time I've been back East.

The thing about these reasons is that really, they're just excuses. Validations in my head to do something that I really don't need to do.  And like excuses, they're easy to see through or undermine. For instance, my grandparents are only going to live a few more years (probably) and then i'll be in a place that I don't want to be. I want to be there for Caitlyn but I don't need to be. She has parents and other uncles and I can be that uncle that she travels to see in a cool destination city when she's older. My friends are doing fine without me and like most things, they've settled a bit with time (they're still hard but definitely better than they were). I can't move back for a girl when the future is so unsure. Will I still be into her when I get there? Will she be into me? Will one of us be dating someone else? These are questions without answers and I can't let her be the only thing I'm moving back for.

And so I guess there was a fourth reason. Something that is really overarching and is related to me feeling all of these things. As I said in the intro, that thing is restlessness. I feel like my good life has become boring and monotonous. I want to shake things up and do something different. I've been all over the country this year with various people, and that's all well and good and fun, but it's not enough. I have friends, I have a movie theater basement, I have all the things I could want, but I'm so BORED with my life. I felt this same way for a couple years before I left CT, and it's what drove me to move to CO in the first place. I still hold that it was the best decision of my life but I'm starting to feel the same way again. What else is there??? Why is nothing ever enough and why do i always seem to want MORE. Am I just a restless soul who needs constant stimulation and new environments to be happy? I am happy...just restless. I could be happier. Maybe I just need a girlfriend who I don't get bored with in 6 weeks. I don't know. All I know is that I'm glad I finally figured out what is REALLY going on. The first step is admitting and identifying the a problem, right? Sigh. Step one...check

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